Hhmm…how do I do this “xanga” thing again? I began to be randomly inspired to resurrect this ancient page several weeks ago and bring it back from the hidden archives of my life. My mother heartily seconded the motion and with such a motivation as that, I now sit here.

But I feel that I lack words to fill in the gaps between the last post and where my life finds me now. So, maybe some pictures would be in order.

I fear this already somewhat dated photo is inadequate, as there have been TWO editions to the family since last Thanksgiving, when this picture was taken. No, I neither Katheryn or I are married (but if you call 1-800-STEVE…), but rather, two sweet little ladies are now proud members of the Trout Family…or at least, WE are all proud!

Mercy Lee Trout, child of my brother Steven and his wife Caitlin, was born in March. She is my FIRST niece, but no longer can I say my FAVORITE niece, because…

Just 3 1/2 days ago, my big sister Kristine gave birth to her first baby, my newest niece Bethany Brooke Heatwole. Brother-in-law Mark is a very proud father, and rightly so, as Betty is a precious little girl!

With just those three pictures, my life is summarized. I love my family, and my world easily revolves around the times the 14 of us can all be together ~ living, laughing, and loving.

Nobody likes that guy who expects to be praised by others, who’s bearing and attitude  proudly suggests that people should stop and applaud their every accomplishment, great or small. That person who demands the approval of people, the man with the entourage of puppets to give assurance of his success.

I’ve found myself in the past years looking with disdain on that category of personalities. And it wasn’t until just this past week that I realized how my abhorrence for this character was not limited to just the people I saw around me. Subconsciously, altho never realizing it or admitting it to myself when I did, that I sometimes viewed God that way. All throughout Scripture you see our Lord commanding us to praise Him. Worship in the morning, the afternoon, evening…If He is such a humble God, why does He demand that all the world fall down and worship Him? Yes, I could see He deserves it, yet it’s hard to give what is constantly demanded of you.

I know I’m not the only one who has thought that before, altho few would admit it, since the very thought is such a sacrilegious affair, and no good Christian should think such a thought, let alone voice it. Yet even C.S.Lewis admits to such doubts. And it was through reading what this man’s journey to understanding of this that also answered the question for myself.

And now, I see why. As C.S.Lewis puts it, “it is in the process of being worshipped that God communicated His presence to men.” As I read that the first time, I immediately knew the truth of the statement, because I had seen it firsthand in my own life. As I have come before the Lord day by day over the past few years growing deeper in my walk and have taken deliberate time to praise the Lord, His presence has become so marvelously sweet to me. King David was the very “man after God’s own heart,” and what is he most known for? His psalms of praise to the Lord. He WAS the man after God’s own heart because God had communicated Himself to King David through his passionate worship of his King.

God’s command to praise and worship Him is not the demands of an egotistical dictator, but of a gentle God who longs to make His presence known in the intimacy of praise.

I sat by myself, with my Bible open in front of me, waiting for a revelation as to why God had deemed fit to remove from me one of the pleasures of life most precious to me to emerged from those sacred pages. I stared at the words, hoping something would pop out that would remove the mystery, or more accurately, hoping that I would suddenly “awake” and realize it was all a big mistake and that everything was still the same. But no such miracle happened. Only the small, yet clearly audible “voice” in my head saying that this was God’s will, and I must accept it. And so, I just sat there and spilled my sad heart out to the one to whom I could spill out the deepest aches of my heart. Somewhere down the line, I said something like this to Him:

“Lord, one day I will look back on this and I will see WHY, and I will praise You.”

As I finished praying that one simple fragment of my prayer, a sudden check in my spirit prompted me to a closer examination of what indeed I has just prayed. I would praise Him when I knew WHY? I was going to wait until I saw the reason for it all to praise the Lord? Immediately, I knew I was wrong. I knew that was not the way that we are called by God. Why would I praise Him then, if I don’t praise Him now?

What kind of faith in the Lord do I have when I only praise Him when I know what’s going on? With that kind of philosophy, I would spend most of my time just waiting to praise Him! We are called to a HOPE that we do not see. Like it says in Romans “Hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees?” We have a hope in God, something that we cannot physically see with our earthly eyes. That is the kind of faith we are called to have as children of God. And as that child of God, it applies to my praise to the Lord. Even when I do not know why God is doing what He is doing, I MUST praise Him. Even if I don’t feel like praising Him, I must still choose, through an act of my will through God’s ever-ready grace, to do just that.

“I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise will continually be on my mouth.”

So, when I started having breathing problems a couple weeks ago, I never thought it would actually turn into two doctor visits (the first two in my life!), x-rays, blood tests, and finally the diagnosis that I have pneumonia. How in the world I got pneumonia is still a mystery to me, but have it, I most certainly do! So, I’m pretty much am now just a weak little sickie, being forced to drown my body in antibiotics and inhalers, and sit around like an invalid and do nothing half the time. Relaxing is good, but it has it’s time and a place, and unfortunately, it’s not a frequent thing while travelling! I guess I just have to learn humility through this and let other people do my jobs for me!

Anyway, so anybody got any good books I should read??

I am here in Boone, North Carolina, thousands of miles from any In-n-Out Burger of my beloved home state. It never ceases to amaze me how NOBODY out here even knows what an “In-n-Out Burger” is, and I’m always trying to deliver these people from their pitiable state of ignorance.

I arrived here Friday night, and as I walked through one of the rooms in the church, a strange room filled with strange people, I came to quickly realize that I had walked into the middle of a group of men and women, all participating in the “Battle of the Sexes.” As I’m walking into the room, I hear the question being read. Curious to hear it myself, I tune my ears in. The question: “What fast food restaurant used the term “animal style?” Blank stares on all the faces in the room. Before I even know what I was doing, I was jumping up and down, waving my hand in the air, and yelling “Oh, I know this one! I really do!” Wow, I guess my allegience to my state and favorite fast-food restaurant run a little hotter than I thought! Slightly embarrased at my own outburst, but still super excited about my knowledge, I gave the answer. Yes, I won THAT question for the women in the room!! Ha, they were lucky to have a born and bred California girl walk through that room at that moment!

“I wish they all could be California girls….”

Once again, the creature of “pride” is looming it’s head up in my life. How can something so huge remain for so long hidden and unnoticed? Yet, here I am, being forced to realize the presence of this sin (since that is exactly what it is) inside of me, and the effects that it is having on my vertical, as well as horizontal relationships.

Frankly, pride is idolatry. Placing something else as higher and more important than God in my life. And this idolatry is being manifested in how I am being more concerned with how other people think of me, rather than what God thinks. 2 Tim. 2:15, the classic passage, tells of being approved unto God…and no others. Approved unto God, looking to Him as the ultimate say in who I am and how I’m doing. Yet, it’s hard be satisfied with God’s approval when you DON’T have the approval of those around you, but it’s also hard to disregard the approval of others when you DO have it, and be concerned ONLY with God’s approval.

I don’t want my security to be found in people or things. As Life Action’s founder put it so many years ago, insecurity is the result of putting my confidence and trust in people and things that can be taken away from me. If I’m looking to those sources for my sense of security, then I will soon find, and am even now finding, that there is no approval found through them. No true, honest approval. So, what things can NOT be taken from me? The only this is my relationship with Christ, found through the Living Word (Christ himself) and the Written Word (the Bible). So, if I want to achieve the “security” that we were created by God to desire, the only way of gaining that is to drop my care, and take off running for the Cross. Spending more time alone with Him, and spending more time delving into the mysteries of His Word.

Prov. 29:25 “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is secure.”

In the words of my last post, one week down…and I don’t even know how many more weeks yet to go in this just-begun travel year! The last few days have been such a whirlwind, yet mysteriously at the same time, I have found them peaceful. I’m learning to trust God about my life. I’ve probably said that so many times before, yet it’s just as true right now as any other time I’ve said it. I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself anything of a “control freak” but just like the next person, I do like to know what’s going on. But frankly, the follower of Christ rarely really knows exactly what God is doing and where He’s taking them! But I’m learning to let go of my “rights” to know my future, and just let God direct. He doesn’t need my help, because He already knows the plans He has for me (Jer. 29:11) and just as I was reading the other day (Ps. 139),  He already had my every day scripted and laid out, long before Kellie Trout ever came into physical existence. It’s hard to let go, especially when you have immediate desires for what YOU want in your future. 

But over the past few days, as I realized my desires and sought the Lord on what He wants, He has very lovingly placed His arms all around me, drawn me close to His heart, and gently breathed out the word…

“Wait.”

One week down, five to go before hitting the road again! I can’t believe that it’s only been one week, it seems like it’s been so much longer than that! It’s been an interesting week. Inbetween sessions and meetings, I’ve had alot of time to spend by myself. I wondered at first at God “why?” is that, since my team hasn’t come in yet, and everyone else is busy. Why has it fallen to me to be such a loner? Well, I know now. The Lord has used this time of “wandering in a small wilderness” to teach me a whole lot. Surrender, patience, unconditional love, encouraging, etc, etc. It’s been good. Hard, but good. I thank God for it.

BUT…my team starts coming in today, and I’m so excited!

Am I really leaving in an hour and 10 minutes? Everything surrounding me is progressing along like any other normal day. Mom and Katheryn are making dinner. Seth and Scott are out in the workshop or mowing the lawn. Karis is reading. Steven and Stuart are wrestling. It’s just a normal Friday evening. Yet, the clock continues to tick away the last moments of being home.

So many mixed emotions. I love serving the Lord in Life Action, but I love being home. I love the excitement and adventure of travelling, yet I also hold dear the steady, simpler life at home. I love my friends and family spread nation-wide, but nothing can replace the ones you hold dear at home. I’m balancing on the beam, seeing both directions, and not knowing where my allegences lie. All I know is….

“Lord, here I am. Send me.”

A frisbee, direct hit on the chin, definitely results in a painful bruise. Yes, my profound words of wisdom for today.